⚠️ High Demand: 6 other active applicants are currently viewing slots.

Touch Grass
With Me

You made it past screening.

Book a slot before someone with better aura does.

I can disappoint multiple people at a time.

Average completion time: 2 minutes. Average success rate: classified.

Who's Booking?

Select your identity to proceed. Choose wisely.

Note: If your name is not listed, your profile has been systematically rejected by the administrator.

🏆 Live Applicant Rankings 9 this week

Pick an event. My time ain't free.

Will you be bringing a vape?

Lost it on the date? We replace it. $29.99

Applicant: —

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Peak demand marker — surge pricing applies

Hurry — spots are filling up. Slots aren't held until the deposit clears.

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Official Booking Invoice

Base Reservation Fee

Peak Demand / Weekend Surge

Convenience Fee for your convenience $12.99

Technology Fee this website isn't free $4.99

Breathing My Air Fee limited supply $2.99

Good Behavior Deposit fully refundable, in theory $50.00

Total Due

Fees are non-negotiable and barely legal. Deposit refunded only upon exemplary behavior. Tardiness voids everything. No refunds on vibes.

Your IG — this is where the details go

Charged to your default card. Calendar invite is sent the moment payment clears.